Timing is Everything - The freeing power of knowing what matters when
“Just eat your broccoli! Then you can have dessert.”
I want my son to eat his vegetables—if his last hangry outburst is any indication, he REALLY needs those vitamins!
He just wants to move on to dessert.
His priority is in direct conflict with mine. Obviously, my priority trumps his (within the battles I’ve picked. Because you have to pick your battles. If I fight ‘em all, I’ll be one exhausted, bitter control freak.)
It happens all day long. And it’s not just that the kids want things that are not aligned with what I say matters. There is tension within me. My own many competing priorities.
What matters now? Big picture vs. This moment
I am quick to say connecting with my kids matters more—in the long run—than having a clean house or fancy meals. I really do believe that.
And yet.
Connecting is lovely when we’re kicking a soccer ball or cuddled on the couch, laughing over a funny story. But come 5 pm, no one is caring about connecting.
What matters at 4:55 pm is whether food is ready or, at least, whether it will be in short order. Before the wheels fall off.
So many important things are vying for our attention.
What matters most? The trouble with having many priorities
“The word priority came into the English language in the 1400s. It was singular. It meant the very first or prior thing. It stayed singular for the next five hundred years. Only in the 1900s did we pluralize the term and start talking about priorities. Illogically, we reasoned that by changing the word we could bend reality. Somehow we would now be able to have multiple “first” things.”
“The word priority was singular for 500 years—what does priorities mean—’many many first things.'”
- Greg McKeown in Essentialism
In his best selling book, Essentialism, Greg McKeown insists that a priority ought to be the ONE most important thing. As a parent, however, that MOST important thing changes with our children’s ages, with the season, or even the time of day. And jumping from one most-important-thing to another is exhausting!
There has to be a better way!
What matters Now? Caring for our people vs. Self care
Gentle music and nature sounds serenade you. Relaxing scents are massaged into your shoulders. The stress melts away.
This is usually what we picture as self care. And while it is a lovely special event, limiting self care to a spa weekend that happens once every two years is not helpful. There are a lot of weeks between those special weekends!
We need to figure out rhythms of self care.
We need to learn to care for ourselves when we are not by ourselves. Self care includes anything that is good for you. Exercise, eating good food, taking a vitamin, sleeping 7 or 8 hours instead of 4-5, reading a book on occasion, going for a walk to clear your head, working on a creative project just because you enjoy it.
What will distract us from what matters—Comparisons
“Comparisons are onerous.” - my grandmother.
Don’t underestimate the effect of mental load. Don’t compare what you accomplish today to what you would have done in the run of a day before you had kids.
An increase in mental load doesn’t just mean you have to think a little harder. It can drain your energy, lead to overwhelm. It contributes to decision fatigue, and regular fatigue. The higher the mental load, the more apt we are to be reactive—thermometers, when we want to be thermostats who set the tone for our families.
What matters now? Seasons of transition
How can it be 1 pm already?! I chat in my broken Spanish with other moms as I wait for my preschooler. All I’ve accomplished this morning is a meeting with a principal and some shopping—the bakery, the produce shop, the butcher.
When we moved to Argentina, we spent the first six months focusing on language learning and familiarizing ourselves with the area. That meant it felt like I got nothing done. Shopping for groceries was all about learning the names of foods. And it took forever!
The number of tasks I could tackle in a day plummeted. I often felt I had little to show for my time. But I was meeting people and I was learning the language.
And by the time we took our first road trip, we could ask for directions in Spanish and understand them.
If I compared what I was getting done in a day to my friends back home, who were continuing on with familiar routines, I would have been SO discouraged.
Any relocation—or other big transition—takes a lot of time and mental energy. Don’t compare to those who are not in the same season as you.
8 Conflicting Priorities you Manage Every Day as a Parent
We want to be present. And we need to plan ahead.
We see the value in being proactive, but it’s fun to be spontaneous sometimes.
As parents, we hold so many things in tension.
Go with the flow <—> Stick to the plan
Connecting <—> Managing
Procurement <—-> distribution
Logistics <—-> Laid back
Productive <—> Present
Efficient <—-> Nurturing
Protect <—> Prepare
Teach <---> Listen
All these worthy goals vying for our attention can lead to some serious decision fatigue! That’s why preemptively figuring out what matters is so valuable.
Wrestling with this question, What matters now? can free up mental space, so
we can gradually build habits that serve us and our families and communities,
we can see places where we can stop doing and start delegating
we are quicker to recognize when it’s time to shift our focus as kids abilities and needs change,
we can think more creatively
we problem solve better
we can be more proactive.